You have no idea how sad & heartbroken I am right now.

I will update my presentation about Soldier's legs. RIP Justice Johns. You were good, but now you're boring.

I already said this many times, but I will repeat : Soldier has the best legs out of the nine mercenaries. People can simp the fast twink [ Scout ] all they want, but nothing beats Soldier's iron legs.

Steam card for the Soldier

CONTENTS :

PART I : ATHLETIC SKILLS & POWER

PART II : ANATOMY & MUSCLE MASS

CONCLUSION ( There is no 'PART III' because this is TF2. )

PART I : ATHLETIC SKILLS & POWER

Soldier is canonically the most athletic, energetic mercenary. He can run at long distances for hours without requiring any source of energy. If he can do that in the universe of TF2, imagine how beefy his legs would be in real life.

Comic panels from TF Comics #1 : "Ring of Fired"

Running isn't the only thing his legs are good at ; Soldier is known for his amazing rocket jumping skills. For those who are unfamiliar with rocket jumping : it's a jump assisted by the explosive knockback of Soldier's rockets. This technique requires crouching & landing. Add the weight of his weapons, ammo & physics to all the meat his thighs have to lift during a simple jump already. The last thing you want to happen to you if you care about your life is Soldier to land on you while he rocket jumps.

Demonstration of a secondary weapon for the Soldier : the Mantreads, by Team Fortress 2's official wiki

Now you can imagine how powerful Soldier's thighs are to be able to lift all this weight immediately & effortlessly. This man probably kicks harder than a horse, if he isn't already a horse.

PART II : ANATOMY & MUSCLE MASS

While I believe that the comic artists were a bit shy when they drew Soldier's thighs, his legs are more faithful to reality in the comics than in the game. 

Comic panels from TF Comics #3 : "A Cold Day in Hell" & TF Comics #6 : "The Naked and the Dead"

Also, did you notice how big Soldier's stompers are in the comics ? Hand size is supposed to be related to foot size ; Soldier's hands are huge ! He's a big bear after all ; his fingers must be really strong & his palm alone should be enough to cover your face entirely. I wouldn't be surprised if he could crush watermelons with the strength of his hand alone.

Images of the Soldier from Team Fortress 2's official wiki

Anyway, back to the topic, Jane's stompers. Soldier's feet on the original 3D model are way too disproportionate to his hands. Before July 25, 2024 Patch #1, there was a cosmetic that depicted Soldier's calves & feet more accurately : the Justice John's.

Various images of BLU Soldier, equipped with the Justice Johns, before July 25, 2024 Patch #1

Look at these delicious calves. Don't you want to take a bite out of them ? Because I sure do. Considering that hands & feet are related, imagine the size of Soldier's toes. I wouldn't be surprised if he could do actual handless push-ups ; his toes are so strong that they could beat up gravity. I really want to remove Soldier's boots & socks just to sniff his sole & to kiss his precious toes.

Unfortunately, Valve has censored Soldier's delicious calves & feet because of THIS VERY SPECIFIC REDDIT POST. Valve started to do something about the problem of cheats & bots ; Valve mistook cosmetics that show off too much flesh as a way for cheaters to distract players by giving them boners.

Screenshot of a Reddit post calling out the issue with Summer 2024 cosmetics

CONCLUSION :

Low-effort edit of The Act Man's video thumbnail, by EucalyptusSoldier

These are more than enough proof that Soldier has impressive legs, worth being called a gift from nature. It is no surprise to me that all this pure, natural muscle — along with a healthy layer of subcutaneous fat to make him feel softer to touch — must make Soldier the warmest & comfiest bear to hug. But his thighs are so big & amazingly powerful that getting crushed between his thighs would probably feel heavenly. Consider yourself blessed if you die by Soldier's rocket jumper thighs.

USA's birthday is Mr.Jane Doe's favourite day !

I don't have gay por- I mean, a special drawing to show unfortunately. I completely forgot about today & I didn't plan anything to draw this month ( I'm too busy planning my next year of studies & working on my Soldier coat ). So I'm just going to show that one image that I found on my phone gallery because I find it really cool.

Yeehaw sounds

Many bot / cheater accounts got banned from TF2 recently, & the Steam support page for TF2 got updated : Link

I still cannot play TF2 since the Steam update, & my laptop died weeks ago. But I'm really happy about the ban wave.

( Unfortunately, I suspect that the FBI getting involved, & Valve risking to be labelled as a "contributor" for CP distribution if it didn't act, is the main reason why Valve acted. But this is just my guess. )

Though, we need to stay wary & NOT do the same mistake as before. FixTF2 must continue ; we cannot be satisfied because of one action from Valve & then let it neglect the game again. Some cheaters could have avoided the ban wave & TF2 still has many awful players who aren't banned ( mainly because the support doesn't read reports ).

This is positive news nonetheless, & a proof that we have nothing to lose by trying. Do not listen to doomers & fight for what you love !

Sorry if I didn't post for a while. I'm stressed because of real life stuff & I have no (un)funny art idea. I also want to spend more time on my main account, I prefer to draw SFW content actually.

That doesn't mean that I'll quit being stupid & annoying on this account, don't worry. ( ◡‿◡ *)

Quick reminder that it isn't over. The petition received around 189,000 signatures at the time I'm writing this, but we have to do more to push Valve to take a real action. Remember to change your review on Steam & to tell your experience with aimbots & Valve's neglect on platforms Valve is on ( such as Facebook & Twitter ). Valve won't listen to us unless we call out the way how it earns money without caring about its products & its fan base.

Howdy everyone ! I wanted to inform you that the petition accepts Gmail accounts from now on. You can login with Google to get your signature confirmed without waiting for the confirmation. Here's the link if you didn't sign it yet : save.tf

I finally got my own signature confirmed. =D

In case you aren't aware :

A petition is up to push Valve to take action on the aimbot issue on Team Fortress 2 : save.tf

If you don't play TF2 & you're clueless about the current state of the game, you can find a summary of the issue on-site.

Dude please shut your goddamn mouth. What are you screaming for ?

That's some real male pred material right there.

Sauce : Amino : My Life as Soldier